As we sat near the pond, reading your favorite section of scripture-the wind bustling the trees and the pump refreshing the water-I remember you. I remember you urging me to remember that the lamp of God has not gone out. To remember that as shitty as the church has become, God has not given up on her yet. I remember you reminding me that sometimes we ourselves cannot see or understand the work of Christ in our own eyes-thus we must also be aware (and maybe listen) to the voices around us. I thank you for this, because today, I felt your presence, and I know you are still here with me.
For yesterday, and today, I feel like Samuel. Waking up in the middle of beautiful slumber, to a rude voice around me. I hear it, I ask about it, I’m told to listen, I go back to sleep. Over and over I hear this voice, but I don’t want it. I want to be left to be the cursing Arian that I enjoy being. But I am reminded that it isn’t about me. It’s okay for me to be fight my battle over hell and trinitarian theology as long as I listen to the voices around me. It’s okay for me to doubt the validity and responsibility that has pushed me here. It’s okay. The lamp of God has not yet gone out.
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