Wednesday, July 30, 2008

arab minds


im reading Arab Minds which Craig suggested to me. it makes me excited for my adventure to Oman over christmas, but at the same time im terrified. i know i will leave and come back changed. it will help mold my complicated, scattered faith, and challenge me like i haven't been before. i am not sure i can handle this. as much as i want it. i don't see how our gods alone are different, and i don't know if its important. i want to care and worship god with this person. to pray like them, and mean it. i don't know how to want my god like this, but i want it.

there are storms again tonight. the sky is red, purple and orange.

nasty nate showed up (bear).

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

im not even sure...

im not sure i can stay catholic. im not even sure if i am really catholic. its starting to frustrate me, this faith thing. i find myself not caring about some of the 'little things' that end up making a 'big thing'. as i learn more about these i don't believe or agree. i don't cherish them. feel them. want them. i don't find them wrong, but not important or meaningful to my worship. but what really is faith to me, i don't even know that anymore.

i don't know how to care about the bible. its not the WORD of god, and i cannot allow myself to call it that. i recieve a picture of who god is, was and will be. its not his words but examples of his teachings. like my dear plato and socrates.

Monday, July 28, 2008

as i sit listening to the creek.

i hear the voice of nature echoing.

i find myself here alone.

without the simplest of pleasures.

im learning that its not all me.

it cannot be all me.

i have to let things go.

before i drown in the rapids.

the chill of the water on my feet.

its the same chill within my heart.

i find myself angry.

without the littlest love or forgiveness.

it wasn't all me.

i wish that they could see.

before i drown in her rapids.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

pandora's box

today was tough.

im trying to open myself up. to be honest. open. i need to know me.

i took a peak into my box. contemplating relationships, how hard they have been for me. what do they mean. it takes two-effort of both and i feel like i have given my all, but to some i feel like im giving but not recieving. people don't want me, and i keep giving myself to them. perhaps, i need to give up. to realize that god has better for me.

Thursday, July 24, 2008



Well, I just realized that I haven't written in quite a long time and quite a lot has happened. Following the KMG trip we had our first group of 'real' quests which was by far the most fun I've had in awhile. They were a hoot. One quest ended up deciding the trip wasn't for her. Another lady asked why there were cooks and not hot dogs, and said that her meal was the best meal she has ever eaten. She said that she isn't able to eat like this at home. And I learned that one man got hit in the face twice by a fish within a ten minute time span. Some of his stories we questionable, but he was pure entertainment for the night. These guests are middle to lower class folks, and they are often chosen from bars to come to this. Things they experience during this trip, kayaking, motocross, zip, repelling, aren't things they are able to do at home which to me makes my loneliness in the woods worth it. On day/night three (the big drinking night) I go to camp 3 for dinner and it was great talking once more to the guests to hear what all they did, saw and how they will never experience anything like this again. Its beautiful.




Well I had a sweet encounter during this 3 day trip that I would like to share. I was about 12ish feet from an adult black bear. No joke. On night 2 I walked out of the food and beverage tent (10pm and the only light I had was my headlamp) and low and behold there he was on the road. We looked at each other in fright and then he ran of. Totally the scariest night since I have been there.




Following that break there was a 6 day break in which I just hung out at camp, did some odds and ends and spent some quality time with my co-tender Dave at camp 3. It was nice having company, chillaxing, and enjoying conversation about life, nature, God, frustrations. Also, it was nice know that I wasn't the only one who gets lonely out here, and while we recognize the beauty and importantness of our job, it is honestly hard being alone so much. So that was nice. Real nice.




And then now to the last 4 days. This morning our second group of guests left, they were really cool too, very thankful which was very nice to hear. Nothing too exciting happened, but last night I was down by Falls Creek at camp 3 thinking and I got caught observing mosquito's flying or rather resting above the same location of the rapids. It reminded me of surfing and watching these huge waves come towards you, and how to me these rapid were small but to them I can hardly imagine their intensity. These little bugs I love killing, reminded me of how small I am to this vast universe, and just the beauty of God's creation. How little mosquito's can put me back in my place, can be bigger than me.




The last three days have been full of thunder, lightening, hail and rain, but from that beautiful rainbows and sky...






Wednesday, July 9, 2008

What I am learning from nature...

-After so many days your back doesnt appreciate cots.
-I have allergies to something out here and I hate moths! Therefore I got to bed before dark to avoid them at all costs.
-I really miss the people I have grown to love the most:family, friends, dog.
-Love is something I have trouble accepting and I am beginning to understand what it really is, what it means.
-You miss so much in life when you forget to stop and "smell the roses"
*you see God's hand in the world more clearly
*it stops becoming so much about yourself
*you have to learn again or for the first time how to trust God
*without others life is not complete: you have no one to share happiness, wonder, saddness, thoughts.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

KMG trip

Yesterday (July 7) was perhaps my favorite day out here yet. I woke up at 7am to drive my car to the staging area and then biked my way back to camp. What a joke that was-I thought I totally had that trip in my pocket, but it killed me. Mountain biking in Montana to completely different than biking in Iowa. Oh my I thought I was gonna die.

Once I finally got back to camp I had to start getting ready for the guests to arrive. Although excited, I was nervous because this trip had to be as close to perfect as we could get. I move the "small" wood stack to a different location since the people came and mowed while I was away (they killed all my flowers and I'm sort of sad about it). I set up the amenities, decorated-it was absolutely a blast. After that I did a few odds and ends-it was a hurry up and wait day. Oh, and I got to restack the "large" wood stack with Diana. What another joke. Crap, how the hell do you make a wood stack, a freaking stack of wood look ascetic? Seriously, I think KMG really takes "wild" out of wilderness.

Once guests got there it was checking the Pa Ha Ques (the appropriate word for shitter tents or toilets), keeping the fire going. The guests, some were from my town which was kinda weird, weren't, well most weren't really excited about having to be on this trip which frustrated me. They seemed somewhat nice but you could tell they were watching your every move.

I finally made it to bed at 12:30 and then was back up at 4:45 to start the fire and turn on the lanterns. It was a good trip.

On a deeper note though, throughout the last week I've learned a lot about myself and how I respond to people. When people hurt me or I feel like I have to work hard to please people I tend to do wrong. Not intentionally- but I do. Its mostly about making sure people are happy with me, who I am, or if they are hurting me then they need to back away. I hate feeling like I can't be myself in order to fix my problems with others, and I hope that I can find a new way around things. Thats all folks.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

I am heading back to camp tonight. We have the KMG, who puts this all together, coming on the 7th for the training camp which is the most important.