So back out at camp, alone with my thoughts. It really frightens me, having time to think about things that really bother and upset me. Though accelerating, makes me uncomfortable, but I know that in the end, once I understand myself and who God is to me, I will, in a sense be set free.

Today in Sunday school, we discussed rewards, that God promises to reward us for what we do on earth. This frustrates me because I dont want to be a part of a Christianity that is based on rewards, but thats what makes it attractive. That is whats behind our actions. If Xianity didnt offer the notion of heaven and eternal life and hell, and even in Hinduism, recarnation, religions have nothing to offer. It reminds me of little kids, doing chores for money or some treat, and even students who study for an A but dont look consider what is being taught. It makes me wonder how many love and care for others because they want and care and how many do it because they want to receive recognition. When working at the nursing home, and even the hospital, I found myself angry at the way nurses and aides treated the patients. They did their job for the money but the respect they had for this generation of people, and even those who were still young but couldnt take care of themselves makes me ache. It was in that time, working there that I really began to understand unselfish love. A love that cared, that listened, that laughed, that sat in silence, that cried. They taught me what it meant to love without rewards. I dont want to become a person who loves for a good name, I want to love out of respect and understanding and because thats what God through Christ did for me.

Christ in his time on earth and suffering demonstrated to us how to love. He showed love by suffering with man, giving and receiving. The love he showed for man seemed lass selfish and demanding than that showed by his time.

Maybe because of experience and history, I want to believe in a God, to an extent, like that of Bonhoeffer's. I want be believe in a God whose love is revealed through suffering. I wan to believe that the Church is only the Church when it is for the people: it suffers with those who are suffering and relies on the people to survive. I want to believe in a Xian who loves because God loves, not for external or heavenly rewards. I want a Xian to be united with God as Christ through suffering, hardships but most importantly love for mankind. I want a humble, suffering Xianity.

Okay, now for camp update. Some sweet things happened at camp today. When I got back and opened my tent door there was a hummingbird, Black-Chinned (Archilochus Alexandri) to be exact (I looked it up) flying inside my tent trying to get out. The poor thing spent a long time trying to find freedom and finally made it. It sort of taught me a lesson, just watching the bird struggle, but Ill write about that some other day.

Then, as I am reading at the fire pit ( I started my first fire of the trip) a deer walked over, slowly creeping up to me. It was almost an arms lenght away before it scurried off.

But to end the night, I was provided with some entertainment by thunderstorms.