no god but God-Aslan

for my Oman (preperation for xmas trip) we are reading Aslan's No god but God...here were my weeks thought on it...

I really enjoy this book. No god but God really helped “point out” some of the “historical” aspects of Islam, which I find completely fascinating, and it reminds me over and over how religions have developed and that historically the evolution of Xianity is no different or better than Islam. What I find really difficult about this though is that I begin rattling with the notion of what truth really is, and why, and how “truth” can be so vastly different to people. In this though the challenge of truth tares so many people and groups apart that it seems to me to be more of a hindrance than importance. After reading this book I find myself becoming more angry with “Xians” than I worry about what is wrong with Islams. I don’t understand how we can call ourselves “followers of Christ” when we argue with each other’s theology more than care to live in peace then we throw stones at those who are struggling with the same problems, perhaps in different ways, but in the end in the same way we are. I am not saying that there should be one complete Xian or Islamic theology, but I wish that although we might not agree and although we might fight, we could realize and be more understanding in what Muslims are facing and why there is conflict, or perhaps just admit to ourselves that we are in conflict too. Christians persecuted Muslims more than they did us. It seems to me, that throughout history we were the first to dismiss them, while they tried to live in peace among us.
More than anyone will ever know, I am excited for this trip. At the same time I am scared shitless. I am scared of what I will learn, I am scared of how much more my faith can be challenged before it becomes torn to screeds. I feel like a sheet of paper that has many tares but I am not completely ripped yet. I thrive on being challenged and seeing and learning about people, their stories, walks of life, but I wonder how far and how much I can learn before I completely lose what all I have left.

arab minds

im reading Arab Minds which Craig suggested to me. it makes me excited for my adventure to Oman over christmas, but at the same time im terrified. i know i will leave and come back changed. it will help mold my complicated, scattered faith, and challenge me like i haven't been before. i am not sure i can handle this. as much as i want it. i don't see how our gods alone are different, and i don't know if its important. i want to care and worship god with this person. to pray like them, and mean it. i don't know how to want my god like this, but i want it.

there are storms again tonight. the sky is red, purple and orange.

nasty nate showed up (bear).

im not even sure...

im not sure i can stay catholic. im not even sure if i am really catholic. its starting to frustrate me, this faith thing. i find myself not caring about some of the 'little things' that end up making a 'big thing'. as i learn more about these i don't believe or agree. i don't cherish them. feel them. want them. i don't find them wrong, but not important or meaningful to my worship. but what really is faith to me, i don't even know that anymore.

i don't know how to care about the bible. its not the WORD of god, and i cannot allow myself to call it that. i recieve a picture of who god is, was and will be. its not his words but examples of his teachings. like my dear plato and socrates.

as i sit listening to the creek.

i hear the voice of nature echoing.

i find myself here alone.

without the simplest of pleasures.

im learning that its not all me.

it cannot be all me.

i have to let things go.

before i drown in the rapids.

the chill of the water on my feet.

its the same chill within my heart.

i find myself angry.

without the littlest love or forgiveness.

it wasn't all me.

i wish that they could see.

before i drown in her rapids.

pandora's box

today was tough.

im trying to open myself up. to be honest. open. i need to know me.

i took a peak into my box. contemplating relationships, how hard they have been for me. what do they mean. it takes two-effort of both and i feel like i have given my all, but to some i feel like im giving but not recieving. people don't want me, and i keep giving myself to them. perhaps, i need to give up. to realize that god has better for me.

Well, I just realized that I haven't written in quite a long time and quite a lot has happened. Following the KMG trip we had our first group of 'real' quests which was by far the most fun I've had in awhile. They were a hoot. One quest ended up deciding the trip wasn't for her. Another lady asked why there were cooks and not hot dogs, and said that her meal was the best meal she has ever eaten. She said that she isn't able to eat like this at home. And I learned that one man got hit in the face twice by a fish within a ten minute time span. Some of his stories we questionable, but he was pure entertainment for the night. These guests are middle to lower class folks, and they are often chosen from bars to come to this. Things they experience during this trip, kayaking, motocross, zip, repelling, aren't things they are able to do at home which to me makes my loneliness in the woods worth it. On day/night three (the big drinking night) I go to camp 3 for dinner and it was great talking once more to the guests to hear what all they did, saw and how they will never experience anything like this again. Its beautiful.

Well I had a sweet encounter during this 3 day trip that I would like to share. I was about 12ish feet from an adult black bear. No joke. On night 2 I walked out of the food and beverage tent (10pm and the only light I had was my headlamp) and low and behold there he was on the road. We looked at each other in fright and then he ran of. Totally the scariest night since I have been there.

Following that break there was a 6 day break in which I just hung out at camp, did some odds and ends and spent some quality time with my co-tender Dave at camp 3. It was nice having company, chillaxing, and enjoying conversation about life, nature, God, frustrations. Also, it was nice know that I wasn't the only one who gets lonely out here, and while we recognize the beauty and importantness of our job, it is honestly hard being alone so much. So that was nice. Real nice.

And then now to the last 4 days. This morning our second group of guests left, they were really cool too, very thankful which was very nice to hear. Nothing too exciting happened, but last night I was down by Falls Creek at camp 3 thinking and I got caught observing mosquito's flying or rather resting above the same location of the rapids. It reminded me of surfing and watching these huge waves come towards you, and how to me these rapid were small but to them I can hardly imagine their intensity. These little bugs I love killing, reminded me of how small I am to this vast universe, and just the beauty of God's creation. How little mosquito's can put me back in my place, can be bigger than me.

The last three days have been full of thunder, lightening, hail and rain, but from that beautiful rainbows and sky...

What I am learning from nature...

-After so many days your back doesnt appreciate cots.
-I have allergies to something out here and I hate moths! Therefore I got to bed before dark to avoid them at all costs.
-I really miss the people I have grown to love the most:family, friends, dog.
-Love is something I have trouble accepting and I am beginning to understand what it really is, what it means.
-You miss so much in life when you forget to stop and "smell the roses"
*you see God's hand in the world more clearly
*it stops becoming so much about yourself
*you have to learn again or for the first time how to trust God
*without others life is not complete: you have no one to share happiness, wonder, saddness, thoughts.