amabam

τὸ κυριακὸν σημεῖον

2010-11-22T17:03:00.000-08:00

The cross was made up of two wooden planks, nailed and bound by twine in the shape of a lower case ‘t’. Throughout ancient tradition in the Roman Empire, these were used as means of execution for criminals and captured soldiers of war. In the first century, two planks were erected and stained with the blood of Jesus Christ. Soon after, the cross soon became a symbol that would be worn by monks around their necks, could be found in churches, on the walls of homes and on the coins of Christian emperors like Constantine. For some it reminded them of the work of Christ, for others such as Emperors, it was a symbol of their own religious beliefs and that which they claimed for their empire. Today, the cross is one of the most dominant signs of the Christian faith. It is superficially worn not only as a reminder of Christ’s death but is also a sign that reveals ones religious beliefs. However, I often think that these outward symbols tell the painful and gruesome story of God’s love, grace, and forgiveness revealed through death.

Death. The cross is a death sentence. I say this obviously because Jesus died on it. I see tears of blood as Christ is praying in the garden of Gethsemane. I see him taken by the Roman army, the betrayal of his followers and a sentence of death. I see a man beaten and scorned, spit at and laughed at. A man no one understands, no one gets. I see a man who does fully know or completely understands what is happening. I see a man, willfully suffering in every way for those causing him pain. I hear nails piercing flesh and cries out to God who does not seem to be listening, or perhaps just watching; then a yell as the cross is erected and gravity takes its toll. I see soldiers stab Him while others watch. Some are crying, some of laughing, some are still. Then I hear a final cry, “God, why have you forsaken me?” and I remember that because of this, we, his creation, has been forsaken.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth, the light, seas, all its inhabitants. When he saw his creation he said that it was good. However, just as man entered the world, so also did sin. Once sin found its place among man, we began losing sight of God, and began dwelling on the desires of our flesh. This led us further and further from God. Throughout the ages God has punished us, spanked us, told us we were idiots, and has tried to start over, hoping that we would realize our need for Him. However, as always, we quickly turn back to the flesh.

Because of our fallen state, God came to earth in the form of man to try and bring our eyes back to the Father. The Son of Man became the living, breathing, speaking, “Word” of God. Through his teachings and his actions, Jesus Christ became of model for humanity. In Christ, we are shown what it means and what it looks like to fully rely, trust, and follow God. It is through Christ we see love and compassion for all God’s people. Although we fall and fail time after time, and even though we turn our backs on God and push him aside, his never ending love for his people, brought Christ to this earth. Though the Son we are given a chance to redeem ourselves. We are shown how to act, how to love, how worship. Through this love he reveals to us by and through the Son, so we can learn how to truly love God.

God’s love for us indoctrinates in us his grace. If I was one of the disciples, I like to think that I would not have betrayed Christ like Judas. I hope I would have stood up for him and his mission that I believed so heavily in, enough to follow him throughout the dessert, and I would have claimed him at his death. However, like Judas, I betray Christ every day. Every time I complain about chapel, get frustrated with Christians and Christianity, think prayer is unnecessary, hate my neighbor, or cheapen my faith, I betray Christ. I betray Christ every time I betray myself or my neighbor, however, as a follower of Christ, I claim that his grace is still offered to me. His grace teaches me to give grace under the hardest circumstances because Grace hung on the cross. I see myself turning Christ in or denying him, and I see him hang there because of me. However, because of His grace, I am not the one hanging on the cross. This Grace was hung for me.

God’s forgiveness and mercy for his creation does not end on the cross. As many Christians believe, Christ was buried and rose again, walked once more with his disciples, and ascended into heaven. The cross is empty, and the tomb is empty. His ascension means that he was able to conquer death; he conquered death for me and for all. Although I will fall, I will be tempted and tired and give in over and over again, I am free of the curse. I am no longer chained up by laws, sacrifice, sin and death, I am free.

This vision of the cross, empty and bare, reminds us that God is currently working and dwelling among his people. He is no longer restrained to the tree. In the Baptist Church, none of the crosses have Christ on it. The empty cross represents the death, resurrection and Christ’s ascension into heaven. Most sermons acknowledge the resurrection, reminding us that although we have fallen short we have hope through Christ’s resurrection. This imagery also places more emphasis on the work of resurrection and the role of the Holy Spirit in the world. Thus, the Holy Spirit dwells among us, continuing on the mission of Christ through his followers. This cross emphasizes redemption and salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Although seeing the empty cross offers us warm feelings, seeing Christ on the cross offers some a clearer since of reality. Unlike the Baptist and other protestant traditions, the Catholic Church always places Christ on the cross. This emphasizes Christ’s suffering because of our sin, thus our need for repentance. We are reminded to place ourselves on the cross where we belong. We see ourselves hanging there suffering because of sin, hoping that one day we will no longer have to bear the weight of sin. There is hope in knowing that Christ has conquered sin and death, thus, one day we can do the same. The crucifix reminds us of the need for the Savior. We subjectively rely on the Holy Spirit to continue on fulfilling Christ’s mission, but this imagery is not necessarily found on the icon.

The sign of the cross acknowledges the role of the Trinity. The Father is at the head, the Son at our chest, and the Holy Spirit at our left and right shoulder. Although we claim all are equal, the Father is at the head because He is unbegun and brought into being the Son. The Son is below the Father, because the Son relied on the Father as a child relies on their parents for guidance and direction. He was sent to earth, which is below the heavens, to die, be buried, and rise again. The Holy Spirit then remains on earth working through mankind. By doing this, all parts of the Trinity are united, recognized and remembered.

While the icon of the cross holds deep meaning for many, if I was to be honest with myself and others I would have to admit I wish that there was a different symbol for Christ that we could wear, rather than the cross. For me, the cross belongs in the church, on a rosary, on a wall, or motioned during prayer or supplication. I think that it is perhaps weird, for lack of better word, that we walk around with what would today be an electric chair or lethal injection needle, around our necks. Also, the cross has become an icon that has lost its meaning because it is over used. This icon is used so often that more often than not we just see the cross, and not it’s meaning.

At the beginning, I used the word ‘gruesome’ to describe the story of the cross because the cross is not like an execution chair or lethal injection. The cross means hours of hanging, bleeding, plain, and agony. You watch and feel yourself die slowly. In this story, represented by this icon, we not only remember this death, but we remember why. We are reminded why Jesus was bound to it, thus we prostrate ourselves before God, acknowledging our sin that put him there. The cross to me is not pleasant and definitely not beautiful, but what is real is not always these things. This gruesome reminder reveals to us over and over again the work of God through the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. It is a message of love, grace, suffering and hope for the people of God.

I do not think of Christ when I see the cross. I do not see grace and mercy, obedience to God. The cross has not become a symbol that in which I am emotionally attached. When I look at the cross, I see a man hanging there who believed he was being obedient the teachings of God. A man who believed so strongly in social justice that he was willing to be condemned by man for healing the sick and loving the ugly. I see a man who loved others more than himself.

While this vision Christ is lovely, the cross also reminds me of the absence of God. I hear Christ calling out to a God who has forsaken man. Seeing the cross reminds me of the homeless, the raped, the persecuted, the condemned, the ill, the hurting; I am reminded of all those praying for salvation from the current state, those who are fighting for something better, those who try but are forsaken. I see a God not present among man, a God who cannot or will not stop the hurting of those around him. Thus, the cross has become for me a symbol of the reality of life-no matter how loud we cry, God has forsaken us.

Stellet Licht/Silent Light

2010-09-08T17:03:00.000-07:00

Silent Light (2007): A film by Carlos Reygadas.

Johan, a Mennonite in Mexico, betrays God and family by engaging in extramarital affairs with another women, Marianne. As his quilt builds and his deeds become irreconcilable, his faith is in question. The film feels as if it is on “real-time”, if not slower. While the cinematography is not that of any perfection, the narrative is unique and troubling.

We (the viewers) are introduced to a world that we cannot understand. Automatically from the beginning we feel as though we are intruders: watching and judging.

It is told from Johan’s point of view which creates an awkward boundary. You become inclined to side with Johan; feeling what he feels, which makes it harder to adjudicate who is in the wrong.

The ‘resurrection’ of Johan’s wife (Esther) by Marianne is an act of contrition and repentance not necessarily by Marianne but more so Johan. Throughout the film the feelings of regret and guilt transpire, but it isn’t until the end that Johan and Marianne really come to understand to consequences for their actions.

The theme of silence is quit disturbing in that it reminds us to remain without judgement. Because of the relationship we build with Johan and our emotions that are tied with his, his failings become our own, creating within us a willingness to ultimately offer him mercy and grace.

1 Sam 3:1-10

2010-09-02T17:02:00.000-07:00

As we sat near the pond, reading your favorite section of scripture-the wind bustling the trees and the pump refreshing the water-I remember you. I remember you urging me to remember that the lamp of God has not gone out. To remember that as shitty as the church has become, God has not given up on her yet. I remember you reminding me that sometimes we ourselves cannot see or understand the work of Christ in our own eyes-thus we must also be aware (and maybe listen) to the voices around us. I thank you for this, because today, I felt your presence, and I know you are still here with me.

For yesterday, and today, I feel like Samuel. Waking up in the middle of beautiful slumber, to a rude voice around me. I hear it, I ask about it, I’m told to listen, I go back to sleep. Over and over I hear this voice, but I don’t want it. I want to be left to be the cursing Arian that I enjoy being. But I am reminded that it isn’t about me. It’s okay for me to be fight my battle over hell and trinitarian theology as long as I listen to the voices around me. It’s okay for me to doubt the validity and responsibility that has pushed me here. It’s okay. The lamp of God has not yet gone out.

Luke 14:7-14

2010-08-30T17:02:00.000-07:00

⁷When he noticed how the guests picked the places of honor at the table, he told them this parable: ⁸“When someone invites you to a wedding feast, do not take the place of honor, for a person more distinguished than you may have been invited. ⁹If so, the host who invited both of you will come and say to you, ‘Give this man your seat.’ Then, humiliated, you will have to take the least important place. ¹⁰But when you are invited, take the lowest place, so that when your host comes, he will say to you, ‘Friend, move up to a better place.’ Then you will be honored in the presence of all your fellow guests. ¹¹For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

¹²Then Jesus said to his host, “When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbors; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. ¹³But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, ¹⁴and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.”

Response: Do not invite family and friends to the banquet, invite those who cannot return the favor.

To begin the sermon the pastor suggested that todays students have less intent to look at those who are helpless. That when be begin to push for the “better” more suitable future we leave behind or even step on those whose opportunity to “succeed” is questionable because of social status, race, gender, sexuality. While I agree with him, I think that the institution of the church has created this monster based on theological principles. We work hard to increase our numbers by pushing aside those who are not apart of our social group. We fight against authoritative women in the church, the heretical homo’s, and the dammed Hindus, Buddists, Jews, Muslims, creating a god-awful community of ass holes eager to save the church by pushing away its members.

And then I find myself wondering if my theology is an easy way out. Maybe these asses (of whom I love) have it right. I sit in the chair quietly, willing to share faith experiences, hoping and praying that my actions are enough. That loving and listening is all that is required of me. Faith that God will take care of the rest. But then the ass comes out and I wonder if this makes me a lofty Christian. How important is it to share with others what may be the “only way to salvation”. Will I one day be ashamed that I was not a “witness” out preaching the “message of salvation” to all men, warning them of their future in hell. Am I taking the easy way out by creating a more universalist view of heaven in which God ultimately saves all people. What the hell is required of me-how and whom am I supposed to invite to the banquet table-who are the poor, crippled, lame and blind.

suffering

2010-07-28T17:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I am been thinking a lot about Endo’s Silence, and Bonhoeffer…I re-read his “Letters and Paper from Prison” and “The Cost of Descipleship”. Here are sort of my thoughts.

I am beginning to think that what we consider “silence” is not really silence. We pray asking God to grant our wishes: save the lost, heal the sick, make the gays straight (sorry that is a joke…I currently has a piss poor attitude towards MT’s homo-legislation laws), save ourself from persecution. Needless to say, we want results that we can see here and now.

What if this “silence” is really God’s activity in the world. For years blacks fought for their rights. Some died, some were beaten, but they could honestly say that although they were fighting for God’s people and God was not answering their prayer. For Bonhoeffer, his letters make it obvious that he wanted of that damn prision. And the fact that he died moments before he would have been saved makes God seem like an ass. Why the hell didn’t he save this man who was “wrongly” being persecuted for fighting against the enemies. For Rodrigues in silence he was set up after a long and prolonged struggle for the survival via running away from the xian persecution in Japan. Yet God did not hear their prayers. Or did he…

It seems rather simple to say that maybe God’s plan is not our own. Hell, we hear that all the time, and we are reminded that in this silence He is saying “not yet”. I think that maybe Endo and Bonhoeffer are suggesting that the work of God is beyond our expectations. That it takes persecution and suffering of others to bring us to him. To remind us of our responsibility to others. However, Bonhoeffer in The Cost of Discipleship says that we must endure suffering for Christ’s sake…because he did the same for us. It is our responsibility and perhaps even our purpose.

Also, they really made me think about what persecution is and if we should run towards it, let it come if it must, or flee. I am reminded of the second century martyrs and how important persecution was in expressing ones obedience to their faith. Bonhoeffer and Rodrigues were both trying to run from persecution. Bonhoeffer didn’t want to die and looked forward to the day he would be released. Rodrigues left town when things began getting shady, tried not . My question is are they running because they don’t want to face death or are they running so they can “finish” what they started out to do? By staying alive they will be able to continue their work and spread their message? Is spitting on the fumi acceptable as long as you do in order to stay alive and further your mission, or lie in order to get out of prison? If one betrays God in order to further his kingdom is that okay by God’s standards.

Why is God silent? Is suffering required of Christian in order to be followers of Christ? Bt Christians aren’t the only ones who suffer-so is it out of ministering? If anything why can’t his purpose for this silence be known..

response to “toleration?”

2010-05-04T17:00:00.000-07:00

…response from my dear friend on my former post. I love discussion, and thoughts so thank you my dear friend…

hi. I’m not sure this post says what you or the author really intended. As I read this, I realize that the author, we’ll call him Jim for simplicity, is attempting to clarify a point that he contradicts and cancels with his arguments.
Jim wants a counter argument to the Christian corner that keeps bringing up the old, “You think Christ was tolerant?! Ha! My Christ was so pissed and intolerant that he raged and threw the money-changers, sinners, homosexuals, thieves, liars, and bigots out of the temple.” I exaggerate a bit but that’s what Jim is fighting against.
Jim wants a Jesus of Justice, the “J-O-J”, a Jesus that cannot be not tolerant (using Jim’s double negs.) But he cannot be tolerant either, yeah. Confused yet? Jesus is the JOJ, he’s justice personified. Dangerous words wield. Christian theology has danced around the “j-word” for years. The Bible is pretty clear about Justice. In fact, it simply states, “The wages of sin is death.” Now in the original Greek this means “the wages of sin is death.” Applying this to Jim’s ideology and the JOJ now Jesus slaughters the money-changers in the temple, and his disciples and anyone else within smiting distance. Not pretty is it.
A Jesus of Justice is the one thing that everyone on this earth or wearing the seal of Christian should be afraid of. Justice in its very nature is blind. Our court systems are founded on that basic principle, you do the crime, you do the time. Justice. In fact God’s Justice is far blinder than human justice. Human justice has grey areas, compromises, loopholes. We love loopholes, ways we can get out. Godly Justice, true Justice has no loopholes. There’s no plea of self-defense, there’s no different degrees of murder or crime, there’s no “fifth” to plead or insanity. There is only guilty or not guilty and the punishment is always death. Godly Justice. Balance.
Jesus isn’t the JOJ or at least not Jim’s version of the JOJ. For those of you following that would be the JJOJ. Rather Jesus is the embodiment of the fulfillment of Justice. We’ll come back to this.
Jim also is promoting Jesus not only with Justice party but with the LUV party. I say LUV cuz that’s what we want from Christ, that’s what he preached, right? That’s what he was, right? That’s what everyone agrees on, right? Jim plays his trump, Agape. People like to throw down Agape, Eros, and Philos to try justify and support their claims and don’t realize they are handling something too hot to hold.
Jim I’m really not upset with you, I’m upset with the whole LUV card that some teachers, preachers, profs and shallow water Christians like to wield, guilt and persuade others with. “Jesus luuuuved everybody, and told us to luuuuve everybody too. That means we can’t get upset about people and their sin, or call them out on it cause Jesus wants us to luuuuuve em, he is without sin cast the first stone, right?” WRONG!! (Not to the biblical quote) but to the whole misguided twisting of the figure who was, and is, and shall forever be Jesus. So many people try fitting Jesus into a box, their box. They want Jesus to be like them, who they want him to be. For Heaven’s sake, let Christ be Christ for once! To quote my friend Frank, “Christ is Christ whether we believe it or not, whether we want it or not, whether we like it or not.” Which means he doesn’t change his opinion and who he is just because it’s inconvenient for us. Jesus loved everyone BUT (and here’s the biggest but that everyone who plays the LUV card forgets) Christ demanded, get that, demanded a Change. Come everybody we all wanted to change we’ve all heard the buzz-word in campaign slogans and rallying cries for years but when it comes into my comfort-zone, my lifestyle, my backyard NOOO WAY! When I was talking about change I was talking about you not me, I was talking about them, not us. Change refers to everyone except me. Sorry, it doesn’t work that way.
Christ demanded that we change. Christ came to us, loved us, healed us, dwelt with us, came into us but it doesn’t stop there. When Christ is a part of us, there is a change if we let it. We don’t stay the same. Shallow-water Christians want to say sin isn’t sin, sin isn’t bad, we all sin. We should accept it and accept people who choose to openly live in sin daily and we shouldn’t feel remorse, guilt or sorrow for sin cause Jesus luvs us and that makes it all okay. Have you ever seen real Christians? Christ overflows from every pore. His word, his praises, his amazingness, his truth is always on their lips, in their hearts and in their actions. When they fall into sin they weep and swim deeply in remorse because the love that they feel from Christ overwhelms them and the comprehension that he still loves them even though they faltered, his love for them endures. When someone who walks with Christ sins, they desire all the more to sin less because of the love the God continues show. Understand? Christ love changes us, leads us away from sin. Christ love doesn’t make sin less bad. It doesn’t work that way.
When Jesus is the embodiment of fulfillment of Justice it means that he sat in the Courtroom at our trial, where we have been found guilty of sin and the punishment of that sin and the Justice God demands is death, Jesus steps forward and says, “I’ve paid it, my blood has p the cost.” That’s the difference. The JOJ or the JJOJ makes sin less bad because the JOL waters it down and makes it okay but when Christ, the embodiment of the fulfillment of Justice steps forward with Love and says “I’ll pay it, I’ve pad it, go and sin no more,” we then have the choice. Do we argue and say our sin was less bad, it really wasn’t even a sin more like an oops or yeah, it was genetic, biological, I couldn’t help it OR do we accept that we sinned, accept that we were wrong and let his sacrifice, his willingness, his love change us? Your choice, your change. But you can’t have one without the other, you can’t have Christ without a change in you, you can’t stay the same. That’s what I hear when I read Jim’s note. I hear someone trying to convince me and himself that Jesus doesn’t want a change (at least not where I think I’m right), trying to tie Jesus’ hands and say “Now be nice.” Jesus was throwing moneychangers out of the temple because of Justice which is like getting a spanking because of love? It doesn’t work. Jesus threw out the money-changers because he was pissed, he was intolerant with these men defiling His house, His home while he was standing there. It doesn’t sound nice but its true, Jesus didn’t tolerate sin, he doesn’t sigh and say “It’s okay.” He climbs on that cross and dies with your sin because of his INTOLERANCE of sin. He dies, he takes it, he delivers it to HELL, right into the devil’s hands and say’s, “No more! It’s paid. Justice served.” And he comes back to us and says over and over again, “Go, and sin no more.” He doesn’t say “sin is okay,” he doesn’t say “be tolerant,” he doesn’t say, “Luv everybody,” he says, “Go, and sin NO more!” Don’t be tolerant of your sin, get rid of it.

Toleration?

2010-05-02T16:59:00.000-07:00

John 13:31-35

“At the last supper, when Judas had gone out, Jesus said, “Now the Son of Man has been glorified, and God has been glorified in him. If God has been glorified in him, God will also glorify him in himself and will glorify him at once. Little children, I am with you only a little longer. You will look for me; and as I said to the Jews so now I say to you, ‘Where I am going, you cannot come.’ I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

During the “questions and concerns” reflections of today’s sermon an authentic question was asked: how does our idea of love differ for that of the Greek- agape? Agape is God’s love; which is not at all comprehendible to us today. It is love out of words and deeds. Somehow toleration was brought up. Christ did not tolerate the stupidity of mankind; thus in the temple he flipped over tables and went crazy on those who were making a market out of the temple. However, I don’t think Jesus likes or who even use the word tolerate or not-tolerate.

If we look at the works and teachings of Christ, he is a hard-ass. Plain and simple he tells us exactly how idiotic we really are. To tolerate something means that we accept it how it is, we put up with whatever we dislike or agree with. This idea is really unsettling to me. By tolerating something we “love” because we are command to, not because we want to. Jesus did not flip over the tables in the temple because he was not tolerant of their behaviour, but because justice has to be served. My dad did not spank me because he wasn’t tolerant with me hitting my brother or swearing, but because justice had to be served in order for me to understand what love looks like under hard circumstances. If he had done it because he was not tolerant with my behaviour, then it would not have been done out of love and his actions would have been meaningless.

If I was to tolerate “sinners” then I would accept them as well as their sin. I would see the “sin” but love the “sinner”. But that isn’t what Christ is commanding us to do. He is not commanding us to be tolerant with people but to love them. He is asking us to take away whatever “sin” we attach to people and simply love. Not love the “sinner” and not the “sin”, but to flat out love. Not love because we are tolerant, but because justice and grace prevail.

I don’t think that it would be fair of me to say that I love someone because I have been told I have to. I don’t love my brother simply because he is my brother, just like I don’t love my friends only because they are my friends. In the same way I cannot love the poor because they are poor or love the drunk because he is drunk. If I did, that is toleration. I accept the fact that you are poor because I must love you; or I simply feed you because you are poor. However, if we are tolerant we overlook the person within. We feed the hungry in order for the hungry to have food, but the hungry is not just hungry for food, but for love. We can feed them physically, but it is the food made up of love and justice that matters.

Jesus told Peter he would deny him, and he got pissed at the Jews who made a mess in the temple, and the Pharisees who did not understand the law. He did not do this because he wasn’t tolerant of their behaviours or wrong doing, but because justice had to be served. Justice puts us to rights; in-toleration simply puts people to shame. Toleration is done out of necessity and because we have to, where justice is done because we love. There has to be a different between toleration and justice. We cannot say that Jesus was not tolerant with the Jews, we cannot say that Jesus is or is not tolerant; toleration cannot be used in the same sentence and Jesus.

Jesus got pissed at people because they needed to learn, and maybe even physically demonstrated his frustrations. In the same way my dad spanked me when I was a kid; I needed to learn. This is done for the sake of love and grace; justice is done for the sake of love and grace. Jesus was not a man of in-tolerance but a man of justice. That is how Jesus loved us and how we are commanded to love others. Love others justly.

John 10:22-30

2010-04-26T16:57:00.000-07:00

“But you do not believe because you are not my sheep. My sheep listen to my voice; I know them and they follow me.”

May the words of my mouth and meditations of my heart be holy and pleasing in your sight, O Lord.

One of my favorite songs-Moment of Surrender-is a ballad about the moment when we are able to clearly see and understand what is happening, and has happened, in the world around us. The moment in which we surrender ourselves to the rhythm of our unconsciousness. To the rhythm that yearns to be released from our control. Today, U2’s Moment of Surrender will be our fifth reading, not because their theology is unusual but rather because it is a profound theology of redemption and grace. As they say, “It’s not if I believe in love, but if love believes in me.”

“It’s not if I believe in love, but if love believes in me.” These two verses of the song reveal the tensions I often face when it comes to God. To be honest today’s gospel readings is among the many that really frustrate me. Jesus had spent his life walking around telling parables about loving your enemies and taking the plank out of your own eye before removing the splinter out of others. Why would Christ say, “you are not my sheep?” It almost seems contradictory to his teachings. But the story of Easter is one of grace and love that surpasses our own understanding, so maybe if I remove the plank out of my own eye then the message may become clearer.

It was winter at the festival of the Dedication of Jerusalem. Jesus was walking in the temple and the Jews gathered around to interrogate him. “How long will you keep us in suspense? If you are the Messiah; just say ‘I am the Messiah!’” Then Jesus replied, “well you idiots; I have told you. I have told you over and over again through my words and my actions. I have raised people from the dead and others have understood. But you do not. I healed the sick, I made the blind see. They are healed because I believe in them and they believe in me, but you not. You have eyes but refuse to see. You do not belong to my sheep. My sheep hear my voice. I know them and they follow me.”

The reality is that I am often just like the Jews. Sometimes the message of Christ does not make sense. In fact the question that the Jews asked of Jesus is not different than my own: How can we know for sure that the story of Jesus can be trusted? If only there was a way to know for sure then I could ignore the risk following him.

Christ responded to these questions by living side by side with man and demonstrating his grace and love through physical labor and by doing miracles. It is because Christ tended to the flock that the Samaritan woman, the blind, and the dead, heard his voice and responded to it. In our weakness we become most vulnerable to the message of Christ. Maybe the obstacles that we face, and those which also prohibited the Jews from being Christ’s sheep, are the cracks in which God’s grace can seep through. God reminds us that he will come to us, not we go to him.

Listen again: “It’s not if I believe in love, but if love believes in me.”

Did you hear it? Our experience with God goes beyond the relationship that we work for. In fact it is not about us and what we can do, but God’s willingness to meet us where we are at. His willingness to wait for us, and with us, until we are able to recognize his grace seeping through our unbelief. His willingness to wait until we surrender.

My uncle Pat, who passed away a year ago today, was a man of tremendous grace. Before I was born he wrote me a letter. He wrote about all the things that we would do together, all that he would teach me, and all that he loved. Pat said that we would go to Disneyland, he would make me into a Portland TrailBlazers fan, and he would teach me how to ride a motorcycle. But most distinctly, in this letter, he called me his slugster.

While visiting him and my grandma one summer in California, I asked him why he called me “slugster”. Truth be told, slugs are ugly, gross and slimy. He laughed and asked me if I knew what my name means. I said, yes, grace. He replied by saying that often times grace and love are found in things that are ugly and slimy. We learn to love others when are able to relate to them better. However, this can be dangerous. When we love we don’t take on just the good parts of others, but most importantly we have to take on the bad. If we love the slug we might have to take on some of its ugliness and sliminess, we could get leprosy if we love the lepers, we could stoned for hanging out with Jesus. But, Pat said, once we are willing to become ugly and slimy not only do we give grace to others, but receive it ourselves. So when I see bad things in the world, the nickname he gave me would remind me to love the ugly, even if it meant that I might become ugly myself.

Pat suffered a lot in his life, and at his death we all were reminded of the same truths that he taught me years ago. Sometimes there is a lot at stake in love. Loving the slug would mean that I might get slimy goo on me. Loving Pat might mean that we would have to feel pain. Loving those who were hurting might mean that we would have to hurt too. For Christ, loving the Jews meant that he would get stoned, but he was willing to take the risk. At Pat’s death, redemption and grace seeped through our cracks of bitterness and pain until our relationships were able to be rebuilt, and forgiveness and love was able to pour through us. In the same was does Christ’s redemption and grace find its way into our soul, but for some of us the challenge is greater. But, God is patient.

The Jews did not understand Christ’s message like I didn’t understand Pat’s. It was not until we experienced the death of someone we loved that we were truly able to understand his story, but we learned. Sometimes we get so caught up in what is safe that we overlook the signs around us. For the Jews, Christ was not the messiah dressed in white, seated on a horse. He was not the kung fu fighter they imagined him to be. In fact, Christ was the opposite. He humbly rode a donkey, lived with the poor, and was a pacifist. Although the Jews obviously knew of the works and miracles that Christ had done, that wasn’t enough for them. By accepting Christ they had a lot to lose, so I think it is understandable that the question of Christ’s Messiahship comes up over and over again; even though they had seen the miracles that he had done, they still did not know how understand the message Christ was giving them. When Jesus told the Jews that they were not his sheep, he said it because they did not recognize his voice and they didn’t understand his teaching.

Maybe suffering is necessary for redemption; it helps us get Christ’s message. There has to be some sort of standard for our transgressions. We deserve that. We must be given a chance to make up for our wrong doings. If we look at Judas, he killed himself after he realized what he had done. He took his life so that he could not betray Christ again. Perhaps it is about doing the best that we can under hard circumstances. Christ couldn’t show the Jews through his works that he was the messiah or tell them in a way that made them understand. However, if he had the power to put them to rights, then he should, because if he did not then it wouldn’t be grace. He had to tell them that they were not his sheep, take up the stones that they casted at them, and preach against their teachings. We have to be able to understand the crucifixion through its harsh reality before we can experience the resurrection.

“The good shepherd,” Jesus says, “lays down his life for the sheep…I [Jesus] have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice.” Looking back at Easter message, we know that Christ laid down his life for the redemption and salvation of his sheep. As σοζω- the Greek word for salvation means-we are “rescued” or “saved” from slobbery mouths of the wolves. Maybe for some of us though, we might have to be nibbled on by our enemies before we understand the consequences of our blindness, and realize that Christ had been there with us all along.

Perhaps salvation comes in different forms. For those few sheep who do not wander astray, they are being guided to new fields. But for those who do wander astray or find themselves in the eyes of prey, Christ is with them. He calls out for them and if they do not respond or hear his voice, he keeps calling out. While Christ will not drag them in by the neck, he will keep calling, waiting for the right moment for his message to seep into the heart of the lost. The Jews in this passage are not his sheep because they are not responding to his voice, but that doesn’t mean that Christ has given up on them. He still did lay down his life for all sheep and he will rescue us in this life or the next.

It might not matter if surrender takes place here and now or if the message of Christ becomes clear to us today. Our consciousness is constantly questioning the complexities of the Christian message and we have become the Jews holding on to that which makes sense, holding on to that which we know. In our moment of surrender we will surrender to the rhythm of our soul, to the rhythm of our unconsciousness that yearns to be released from our control. In the moment we surrender, we will surrender to the truth that would be evident if we had the right eyes to see. But, until then U2 is right. We will go to every black hole and the alley of every dark star. But let us have hope in knowing that God will not deny us…For…

“It’s not if I believe in love, but if love believes in me.”

2009-11-08T23:50:00.000-08:00

conversion?-i don't believe in you.

hell?-i don't believe in you.

what i am left with...universalism?

universalism?-i don't like the idea of you either. i don't really believe in you.

so what? if i don't believe in this whose-in/whose-out game, but don't really believe that everyone is in, what do i believe. what is the meaning of religion...why do i follow christ?

2009-10-20T12:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Beloved's,

It seems like the world is ending as I knew it. The world that I crafted out so perfectly, that made sense, was believable, was right. My aspirations of searching out the wisdom's of those before me, of reading, learning, questioning, loving, and lead me into this world of an unknown, a world where I have to constantly fight back and remind it I'm not right.

My heart and soul has been found in religious diversity, arguments, and beauty. Questioning God and man, Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Universalism, has taken me over. I have found God in the fucked up places of man's idiocracy, in the complications of institutionalized religion, in the arguments and lies of man. While my searching has lead me to doubt, it has also thrown me oceans of wisdom and grace.

I am fighting temptations of God, his dumb-assness, pushing me towards priesthood. How can one, such as myself, find myself in the church. One who loves God as Muslims see him, as Jews see him, as Christians see him. How can one, such as myself, full of profanity, sarcasm and grudges, be pulled into the church. I don't understand why I'm being pulled here, but I am fighting against it, and will, until one of us wins, and it won't be him.

2009-08-19T08:55:00.000-07:00

is disagreement something to be honored or merely something to be shared?

...traditionally disagreement is the consequence of refusing to unite on the one true path
...it is a barrier to truth
...sidetrack to reality

"the unity to which we aspire come in that moment when our disagreements are transcended and we discover that we are all working out of the same principles, toward the same goals"-Rev. Lisa Friedman

i know how to honor disagreement; to understand that not all people will come up with the same conclusions, same principles. i know how to honor and appreciate diversity. to love people of all faiths. however, i don't know how to love and honor all people of my own. i don't know how to honor their obsessions with Truth, conversion, salvation. i don't know how to honor their views of homosexuals, our religious others. i don't know how to share in our disagreements. i need to learn how.

2009-08-13T14:36:00.000-07:00

today i miss oman.

more than most days.

i feel as if a part of my heart and soul has been left there.

it's being torn apart by religious conflict.

i feel as if it can't be put back together until the hatred stops.

until we begin loving others as we love our religious siblings.

i wish we could love others as god loves us.

to understand god as god understands us.

to realize that it is not about ourselves, our kind.

it is about others, others.

ode to sam.

2009-08-09T23:25:00.000-07:00

I remember July 3, 1990 sitting on the edge of mom's hospital bed holding you for the first time, hoping that one day we'd be friends.

I remember our walks to down Odin to the bus stop talking about fish and our recent adventures and games.

I remember hating that my favorites were always your favorites even when I lied and said my favorite color was pink.

I remember all our fishing trips and even though I would always catch more than you, you still wanted to go with me; and how your would always be willing to take the fish off the hook and promised me the fish didn't actually die even though it'd float when you threw it back into the water.

I remember that sunny September morning when mom and dad sat us down on my bed to tell us that Aaron had gone to be with the Lord and feeling you small hand grab mine; I knew it'd been okay.

I remember those Sunday afternoon hap hours that we spent creating messages by knocking on the walls or sneaking to each others room.

I remember how all our fights ended in laughter and creating constellations out of the knots in the wood as we stood there with our noses on the wall.

I remember our 5 hr. long games of monopoly and how I'd always win. One day you will learn that I don't go broke because I have a stash of $500's that I refill after every game.

And I will always remember you standing at the end of the lane cheering me on as I swam the mile. Whenever I'm discouraged I picture you there reminding that I've done it before and can do it again.

I have done my best to be the best role model that I could for you. From the moment I first met you I knew that you would look like me, I knew that we'd be friends, I knew that you'd be a good person, I knew that you'd do great things; but I never knew that you would be the one I would look up to. I am as proud to be your sister today as I was the first day I met you.

*my addressing speech for sam's retiring address.

faith begins where thought stops.

2009-08-09T22:57:00.000-07:00

Fear and Trembling-Soren Kierkegaard

i think testing is how god chooses to teach. i do not think that god tested abraham because he didn't know if he would pass or what the consequences would have been. maybe he wanted to do it so abraham would learn what faith meant or the extent of his faith. kierkegaard says that abraham had faith that god would not ask his son to be taken from him but ALSO had faith that god's will would be done through the sacrifice and that god would keep his promise to him even if it meant taking his son.

god temps us with times of meakness and sorrow-with acedia- so that we learn intimacy and joy and happiness. we have faith that god will bring better days. by knowing how it feels to be depressed we are better able to recognize our times of joy.

grace.

2009-05-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

today i wonder about grace. i wonder what grace is, and what it really means. grace if free should be without limits and boundaries. there should be no exceptions.

if this is true, which i believe it is and should be, then i'm not sure if people can call themselves good. if i was to call myself good then i must define someone else as bad, have someone bad to compare myself too, and in doing that i myself am grouping people according to my own judgments. i am making myself better than others.

i think we understand grace wrong. i think it is about understanding and love. if god's grace is perfect and just, then i think that it doesn't define good and bad...that all men are equal. that one lover of god is no different than another. that one who worships allah is the same as the one who worships yahwah or god. that grace makes all this equal. i think that all men become equal because grace forgives the mistakes. if god is grace, then i think we must learn grace.

slow travels...

2009-01-23T18:59:00.000-08:00

For a quick update, we were suppose to fly to Muscat on Friday. At 3 am we got a call saying that we needed to leave at 4 because a blizzard had hit OC during the night and we were afraid we wouldn't make it to Omaha on time to make our flight. So, at 4 am, we left the apartment to go and push our teachers van out of the snowbank it had found itself in. Then 30 minutes later we were on our way slowly trucking. As we were leaving Sioux City, poor ole' prof decides that he must potty now and we make our way up the unplowed off ramp to find a semi and car blocking the pass. Therefore, the three men in the truck had to shuveled the trucks out and the entire 2nd half of the off ramp. Around 8:30 or so, we made it to Omaha airport to find out that flights to Chicago would not be flying out, and we would not make it to O'hare before out flight to London and the next flight we could get to London would be Tuesday. Therefore, we took the 2 hour trip back to OC. Eh.

The next few days were spent relaxing, watching blizzards pass through, and trying not to dwell on the fact that instead of being in -30 degree weather, it was a good 80 in Oman.

Today was nuts! We started out the day thinking it was a day to relax, get our stuff together, wash clothes, but last minute (and I emphasize the word LAST) we got a phone call from our travel agent telling us we can get a flight out of Omaha but we had to leave OC within the next hour. Because of blizzard warnings for the next day, we decided to leave OC...

1.) We were given an hour to repack/shower.

2.) Drew David drove his car into a snow bank and we had to push him out.

3.) We forgot/couldn't get a hold of one of the girls and therefore spent 30 min trying to find her, knocking on a house which wasn't hers, and made her pack so we could get out.

We spent the night at Ohare, in the baggage claim because our 20 hour lay over was too long and they couldn't check our bags all the way through. It was freezing, which tends to be the norm during the winter, and the doors entering the building just wouldn't keep closed. A few of us wandered through all the ariport sections that we could get ourselves in to keep us pre-occuiped, although it was rather boring. I finally found a somewhat warmer place to lay and woke up to the sound of a woman yelling at me, asking for my boarding pass. I thought it was some kind of joke, but it wasn't. Thinking I was homeless, she told me I needed to gather my things and leave the building. Finally I convinced her that I was with the large group, and then she told me I needed to be more careful because I had been sleeping with homeless people. Oh, people. Eventually, and rather slowly, 8 am came and we were able to go up and find ourselves a table or 3 at the food court where we spent the next 6 hours waiting to check in. I was ready to be out of the states.

Finally we made it out of Ohare, to London and to my beloved Oman...

2009-01-23T16:08:00.000-08:00

(Dec 25, 2009)

5:00 am: call to prayer. Beautiful, extravagant. Definitely not what I expected...but my expectations were pretty small. However, it was lovely.

We arrived in Oman around 9:30 last night. As we flew over Muscat, the lights looked similar to those of our cities and perhaps it was just my mind in excitement, but that seemed more appealing and beautiful. There we no large sky scrappers, just a sea of topaz and Sapphire diamonds.

Customs was not as bad as Monsma made it seem. Things went smoothly and yesterday didn't really seem to exist. At 6 am we arrived in London, 9 am left, flew 8 hours (which every min I slept) and then it was Abu Dabi and Muscat.

2008-12-02T16:38:00.000-08:00

With finals week approaching and my trip overseas drawing nearer and nearer, I find myself not sleeping, for lack of serious time of day (if you are saying then get off here and do you work, I say poo this is my first breather of the week) and for lack of better words, brain farted. Its a cranium full of gas, hot hair, stinkyness and gag me. Therefore, tonight I sleep whether or not my Greek homework is done.

Have you ever found yourself frustrated with yourself, what you have accomplished or what you haven't yet accomplished but need to. I feel as if I should be further ahead, have to be doing better. Now that I feel better this semester I should be able to handle what has been placed before me.

I don't.

What has happened to me? I try, I struggle, I work, but I feel less and less successful, less and less worthy, less and less able.

My Apology...

2008-11-21T11:14:00.000-08:00

http://www.thislife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?sched=1163

If you have a min, or more like 59 min, please listen to this story. If you have a soul Act 1 will move you, maybe change the way you view or nation and some American Christians.

‘Shouting Across the Divide,’ especially Act 1, really upset me. It is not that I have been ignorant to the fact that 9/11 has changed drastically some ‘white’ American’s attitudes towards Muslims, and that many Xians spend a lot of energy trying to make Muslims into these horrid terrorists, their story brought me to tears though. Although I think it is wrong too, but it is one thing to look at Middle East Muslims and blame them from 9/11 but too look at those within your own community, who you have lived with and formed some sort of relationship with, suddenly with the same hatred really makes me wonder what our American idea of freedom is, is this really a free country. Maybe I don’t know what it is like to be the teacher of a Muslim child, or live on the same block as a Muslim family but I do know very well a Muslim and I ache for the thought of prejudices that have been placed on her because of 9/11 when she had nothing to do with the hate crimes. I hear the voice of the girl in the radio and I think of what her teacher did and how as a vulnerable child that shit would have affected me and I ache for her. Her dad, what he experienced in West Bank and then seeing what was happening to his daughter, I ache for him too. At the heart of the Christian and Muslim faith is a vast amount of persons, individuals and when showing anger toward a group your aren’t just targeting the mass but singling out souls. Teachers have a powerful impact in the molding of young minds, in their attitudes toward those they teach, in learning who and what is right, they help create prejudices and that’s what the girls teacher did. Maybe it is impossible to love a single person without loving the whole. Maybe America is sole a free Xian country and the only free people here should be Xians because their faith is truth and the only truth and if we are going to hate on Muslims why don’t we widen the picture and continue hating on the Native Americas and Buddhist, Hindus and Atheists too. Why don’t we go even further and figure out which group of Xians are the right one and hate the others too. I mean isn’t that what America is about religious freedom.

I am not always proud to be an American and I am sorry for the hearts of some.

2008-11-02T19:45:00.000-08:00

im not sure really what to say. im being challenged and streached this year beyond belief. somedays im good, able to push though, but others i feel as if im aching, unsure, miserable.

no god but God cont...

2008-10-26T16:42:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I think we put too much importance in Christianizing the nations that we forget what it is that God called us to do. I say that because I look at the Crusades, or even now, and we desire to bring Christianity to nations that perhaps thank that they don’t need it because what they have ‘true’ and the amount of pressure we put on converting makes people more mad than accepting. When looking at Medieval Europe during the time on Constantine and his ‘massive-forced-conversion’ I wonder how many people cared about becoming Christian or if it was a way to unite his world. I do acknowledge that he cared to save souls but his conversion is troubling. Many town conversions because people do not know what they are getting into or don’t really understand what exactly they are trying to believe, therefore resulting in a European Christendom’s filled with many micro-Christendom’s. Christians went into war with Muslims to conquer them, save the Holy Land from the ‘enemies’ and perhaps turn what areas they conquer into Christian territories.
From my little historical brief I then find myself drawn into Aslan’s discussion of the creation of a democratic Islamic society and if it is really possible. “Islam has been invoked to legitimize and overturn governments, to promote republicanism and defend authoritarianism, to justify monarchies, autocracies, oligarchies, and theocracies, and to promote terrorism, factionalism and hostility. Can Islam now be used to establish a generally liberal democracy in the Middle East? Can a modern Islamic state reconcile reason and Revelation to create a democratic society based on the ethical ideals established by the Prophet Muhammad in Medina nearly fifteen centuries ago?”[1] What I think we forget though, especially now as our frustration with the U.S. government increases, that as Aslan suggests, this is something that must be done. However, to change a very historically bounding and controlling government that has in place for centuries will take more than some 7 or so years. In order for them to change, they have to find ways around leaders who don’t want this change, find stable ground, stable leaders, in a way a common and united ground. It “cannot be imported, it must be nurtured.”[2] Sometimes I get discouraged with the fact that people discourage the work that we are doing overseas. Yes, I agree that there is a lot being done that isn’t helping, perhaps making things worse, our economy’s having problems, but nurturing them and helping them become successful is why we went over, and by leaving them now, we won’t do anything other than hurt them more. I think that it if we continue helping them, it will be rewarding to be a part of and see the product of their national identity.

*Sorry for the brief history section in the first part. I heart history…and we are getting ready to talk about the Crusades and I am really stoked about that, cause it’s sooooo good, or perhaps interesting to me. Nonetheless, I like history as much as you like puns. History + philosophical history=Hannah’s happiness.

[1] Aslan. No god but God. Pg 253
[2] Ibid. Pg 254.

no god but God cont...

2008-10-12T16:40:00.000-07:00

I found ‘In the Footsteps of Martyrs’ as a very interesting chapter, mainly because it pokes at something that I am extremely interested in and the reason why I am a history major. Throughout the last long time, I have been drawn to the question of morality, and why we do what we do; I strongly believe that our actions are a result of what we have been taught, and are done for a reason, purpose, and I think for most (unconsciously or consciously) for a higher power or being, in our case God or Allah. I find the Karbala very interesting because Azlan says that it “became Shi’ism’s Garden of Eden, with humanity’s original sin being not disobedience to God, but unfaithfulness to God’s moral principles.”[1] What I like about this besides the words ‘moral principles’ is that when I read the creation story and the ‘first sin’ I am drawn to the idea that perhaps when we look at what we call sin, it is to us unfaithfulness to moral principles, which we learn what morality is through the teachings of man but also through the stories of the Old and New Testaments. I guess it just plays with my thoughts on if man can be moral without a ‘god’ figure to provide reason or rewards.

This book is really hard to me to read. I hate and love it. I’m not sure why exactly it bother me, but at times I get really frustrated with theology, for the fact that we need it to interpret the Bible, parables, Jesus, God. I often wonder how Christianity would be different or if it could exist without the Bible. How would we know what is good, wrong, how do we know who God is without it translated for us, is it possible to know him on our own. I just find it hard to phantom that man needs others to translate for them their faith. Maybe it’s good, but I don’t know. The thought that the Karan cannot in its original form be read by man does bother me some.

I think that the Sufi’s idea of the annihilation of the ego, and pushing away from “worldly trappings”[2] is something that we all strive for. The way that they approach this by being concerned with the outer and with society is something I think that Christians miss or forget. I think that we become some focused on with fixing our inner self that we forget about the world around us and I am not sure why, but I do like the idea of a communal religion, I know we try to get this from the church, but it needs to reach father than the church.

This week, I am stoked, full heartedly for Oman. Oh, yes, lets go…
[1] Pg. 179.
[2] Pg 200.

no god but God cont...

2008-10-05T16:40:00.000-07:00

What struck me first of all in the reading was the discussion the image that we give Muslims: “Islamic terrorist, strapped with explosives, ready to be martyred for Allah, eager to take as many innocent people with him as possible. […] What has not changed, however, is the notion that Islam is a religion whose adherents have been embroiled in a perpetual state of holy war, or jihad, from the time of Muhammad to this very day.”[1] I am not sure where I want to go with this thought, but I guess something that bothers me is that human nature tends to place blame on the whole rather than the single. What I mean by that is that since Muslim’s are to blame for 9/11 all of them, in the whole world are bad. Since a few Catholic priests raped some children there is something wrong with all Catholics. One of the things I feel most uncomfortable, or perhaps do not understand, is what is exactly meant by a holy war. Perhaps our misconception is that the Jihad is not an act against a non-Muslim but one that is launched against acts of villainy in order to preserve “moral order”. When I look at Islam as a whole, I have seen it as a religion and state are unified or work as one. Then as Aslan went on to discuss how Buddhism and once Xianity in the Holy Roman Empire, were “enforcers” I felt dumb. A few weeks ago in the catholic group some were discussing how we should vote in the election-if it was morally right for us vote democratic since Obama is not 100% against abortion. I find myself now wondering if for Xian’s especially, do we really have a separation of Church and state here when we are looking back on our Christian morals to figure out how to vote. While I don’t find this completely wrong, I am not sure if it is completely right.

One thing I find really beautiful about Islam are the 5 Pillars. I am not sure why, but meaning and tradition behind it, and the emphasis put on Allah through it makes me wish we had something this sweet. I think it would be totally tight to have a pilgrimage to Jerusalem, like seriously totally wicked cool. I once tried to fast during Ramadan and got really hungry, so it failed. What if Christianity was less about objects, and more about experiences-in prayer, fasting, tithing? Sometimes I think we lost these, or lost the meanings behind them. And then I wonder too if some Muslims do this only out obligation of how serious most of them are about it. Xians are serious about things they want to be, sometimes extremely serious about them, and then lax or don’t give a turd about others. How would Xianity change if we were obligated to tithe, put as much emphasis on prayer and fasting, or had a Jesus walk.
[1] Reza Aslan. No god but God. Pg 79.

no god but God-Aslan

2008-09-22T16:37:00.000-07:00

for my Oman (preperation for xmas trip) we are reading Aslan's No god but God...here were my weeks thought on it...

I really enjoy this book. No god but God really helped “point out” some of the “historical” aspects of Islam, which I find completely fascinating, and it reminds me over and over how religions have developed and that historically the evolution of Xianity is no different or better than Islam. What I find really difficult about this though is that I begin rattling with the notion of what truth really is, and why, and how “truth” can be so vastly different to people. In this though the challenge of truth tares so many people and groups apart that it seems to me to be more of a hindrance than importance. After reading this book I find myself becoming more angry with “Xians” than I worry about what is wrong with Islams. I don’t understand how we can call ourselves “followers of Christ” when we argue with each other’s theology more than care to live in peace then we throw stones at those who are struggling with the same problems, perhaps in different ways, but in the end in the same way we are. I am not saying that there should be one complete Xian or Islamic theology, but I wish that although we might not agree and although we might fight, we could realize and be more understanding in what Muslims are facing and why there is conflict, or perhaps just admit to ourselves that we are in conflict too. Christians persecuted Muslims more than they did us. It seems to me, that throughout history we were the first to dismiss them, while they tried to live in peace among us.
More than anyone will ever know, I am excited for this trip. At the same time I am scared shitless. I am scared of what I will learn, I am scared of how much more my faith can be challenged before it becomes torn to screeds. I feel like a sheet of paper that has many tares but I am not completely ripped yet. I thrive on being challenged and seeing and learning about people, their stories, walks of life, but I wonder how far and how much I can learn before I completely lose what all I have left.

arab minds

2008-07-30T16:28:00.000-07:00

im reading Arab Minds which Craig suggested to me. it makes me excited for my adventure to Oman over christmas, but at the same time im terrified. i know i will leave and come back changed. it will help mold my complicated, scattered faith, and challenge me like i haven't been before. i am not sure i can handle this. as much as i want it. i don't see how our gods alone are different, and i don't know if its important. i want to care and worship god with this person. to pray like them, and mean it. i don't know how to want my god like this, but i want it.

there are storms again tonight. the sky is red, purple and orange.

nasty nate showed up (bear).

im not even sure...

2008-07-29T16:23:00.000-07:00

im not sure i can stay catholic. im not even sure if i am really catholic. its starting to frustrate me, this faith thing. i find myself not caring about some of the 'little things' that end up making a 'big thing'. as i learn more about these i don't believe or agree. i don't cherish them. feel them. want them. i don't find them wrong, but not important or meaningful to my worship. but what really is faith to me, i don't even know that anymore.

i don't know how to care about the bible. its not the WORD of god, and i cannot allow myself to call it that. i recieve a picture of who god is, was and will be. its not his words but examples of his teachings. like my dear plato and socrates.

2008-07-28T16:20:00.000-07:00

as i sit listening to the creek.

i hear the voice of nature echoing.

i find myself here alone.

without the simplest of pleasures.

im learning that its not all me.

it cannot be all me.

i have to let things go.

before i drown in the rapids.

the chill of the water on my feet.

its the same chill within my heart.

i find myself angry.

without the littlest love or forgiveness.

it wasn't all me.

i wish that they could see.

before i drown in her rapids.

pandora's box

2008-07-27T16:15:00.000-07:00

today was tough.

im trying to open myself up. to be honest. open. i need to know me.

i took a peak into my box. contemplating relationships, how hard they have been for me. what do they mean. it takes two-effort of both and i feel like i have given my all, but to some i feel like im giving but not recieving. people don't want me, and i keep giving myself to them. perhaps, i need to give up. to realize that god has better for me.

2008-07-24T10:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I just realized that I haven't written in quite a long time and quite a lot has happened. Following the KMG trip we had our first group of 'real' quests which was by far the most fun I've had in awhile. They were a hoot. One quest ended up deciding the trip wasn't for her. Another lady asked why there were cooks and not hot dogs, and said that her meal was the best meal she has ever eaten. She said that she isn't able to eat like this at home. And I learned that one man got hit in the face twice by a fish within a ten minute time span. Some of his stories we questionable, but he was pure entertainment for the night. These guests are middle to lower class folks, and they are often chosen from bars to come to this. Things they experience during this trip, kayaking, motocross, zip, repelling, aren't things they are able to do at home which to me makes my loneliness in the woods worth it. On day/night three (the big drinking night) I go to camp 3 for dinner and it was great talking once more to the guests to hear what all they did, saw and how they will never experience anything like this again. Its beautiful.

Well I had a sweet encounter during this 3 day trip that I would like to share. I was about 12ish feet from an adult black bear. No joke. On night 2 I walked out of the food and beverage tent (10pm and the only light I had was my headlamp) and low and behold there he was on the road. We looked at each other in fright and then he ran of. Totally the scariest night since I have been there.

Following that break there was a 6 day break in which I just hung out at camp, did some odds and ends and spent some quality time with my co-tender Dave at camp 3. It was nice having company, chillaxing, and enjoying conversation about life, nature, God, frustrations. Also, it was nice know that I wasn't the only one who gets lonely out here, and while we recognize the beauty and importantness of our job, it is honestly hard being alone so much. So that was nice. Real nice.

And then now to the last 4 days. This morning our second group of guests left, they were really cool too, very thankful which was very nice to hear. Nothing too exciting happened, but last night I was down by Falls Creek at camp 3 thinking and I got caught observing mosquito's flying or rather resting above the same location of the rapids. It reminded me of surfing and watching these huge waves come towards you, and how to me these rapid were small but to them I can hardly imagine their intensity. These little bugs I love killing, reminded me of how small I am to this vast universe, and just the beauty of God's creation. How little mosquito's can put me back in my place, can be bigger than me.

The last three days have been full of thunder, lightening, hail and rain, but from that beautiful rainbows and sky...

2008-07-09T10:42:00.000-07:00

What I am learning from nature...

-After so many days your back doesnt appreciate cots.
-I have allergies to something out here and I hate moths! Therefore I got to bed before dark to avoid them at all costs.
-I really miss the people I have grown to love the most:family, friends, dog.
-Love is something I have trouble accepting and I am beginning to understand what it really is, what it means.
-You miss so much in life when you forget to stop and "smell the roses"
*you see God's hand in the world more clearly
*it stops becoming so much about yourself
*you have to learn again or for the first time how to trust God
*without others life is not complete: you have no one to share happiness, wonder, saddness, thoughts.

KMG trip

2008-07-08T10:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday (July 7) was perhaps my favorite day out here yet. I woke up at 7am to drive my car to the staging area and then biked my way back to camp. What a joke that was-I thought I totally had that trip in my pocket, but it killed me. Mountain biking in Montana to completely different than biking in Iowa. Oh my I thought I was gonna die.

Once I finally got back to camp I had to start getting ready for the guests to arrive. Although excited, I was nervous because this trip had to be as close to perfect as we could get. I move the "small" wood stack to a different location since the people came and mowed while I was away (they killed all my flowers and I'm sort of sad about it). I set up the amenities, decorated-it was absolutely a blast. After that I did a few odds and ends-it was a hurry up and wait day. Oh, and I got to restack the "large" wood stack with Diana. What another joke. Crap, how the hell do you make a wood stack, a freaking stack of wood look ascetic? Seriously, I think KMG really takes "wild" out of wilderness.

Once guests got there it was checking the Pa Ha Ques (the appropriate word for shitter tents or toilets), keeping the fire going. The guests, some were from my town which was kinda weird, weren't, well most weren't really excited about having to be on this trip which frustrated me. They seemed somewhat nice but you could tell they were watching your every move.

I finally made it to bed at 12:30 and then was back up at 4:45 to start the fire and turn on the lanterns. It was a good trip.

On a deeper note though, throughout the last week I've learned a lot about myself and how I respond to people. When people hurt me or I feel like I have to work hard to please people I tend to do wrong. Not intentionally- but I do. Its mostly about making sure people are happy with me, who I am, or if they are hurting me then they need to back away. I hate feeling like I can't be myself in order to fix my problems with others, and I hope that I can find a new way around things. Thats all folks.

2008-07-05T17:27:00.000-07:00

I am heading back to camp tonight. We have the KMG, who puts this all together, coming on the 7th for the training camp which is the most important.

2008-06-30T17:21:00.000-07:00

Well day three was kinda lame. We headed up to the moto course where the quests get to ride the motorcycles, but they werent set up enough for us to do it. So, we sat there most of the day doing nothing while the guides had emergency training which was good for them. A helicopter came in and everything. Then we actually went and did the zip line which was sweet, I was able to go through each part (theres two sections that cross Falls Creek) upside down, it was fun. Following that the tenders and food and beverage people went to the camp to set up and we took a little swim in the creek too-totally freezing but worth it. Then it was dinner and music around the campfire. Tomorrow we will finish training and then I am off until the 5th. I cant wait to sleep in a bed. Please pray that my immune system is able to hold up through the summer, my allergies are eating away at it, and I hurt my shoulder somehow.

2008-06-29T17:13:00.000-07:00

I had to start early today, about 4:45. Since I am the tender I had to do my tender job-light lanterns, start fire, clean shitters, and keep the fire going. I was told that since they are mostly east-coasters they are awake at 5am, so I should have my stuff done by then. By 8 we were headed to our next location, the river where the campers would do kayaking and rafting down a 9 mile stretch which takes about 4-5 hours including a break for lunch. The mosquito's were horrible, I have 22 bites on my right leg alone. Following that adventure we made it back to camp 2 were we, like the campers, were greeted with Hummers which took us on an off road course. We were all able to drive them for 15 min on parts of the course. That was probably one of the most exciting things I have done in my life. You would go straight down a hill with riding the break, or having your foot on the break, this vehicle totally drives itself, its amazing. Anyways, then we ate lots of food and I headed to bed. It was a long day, and being sick hasn't been helping.

2008-06-28T16:59:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day of training. It started at the Bozeman base where we got a pep talk and what was supposed to maybe be inspirational, but yeah it mostly put me to sleep. Following that they took us through what the guests would experience one their frist day. It was and is really cool to see what happens and imagine what is going through their heads since they have no idea what is going on. This whole thing, camping trip seems to be rather exelerating for them. Honestly I am quite jealous. We didnt get to my camp until about 10 in which we finally had dinner around 10:30. It was huge, snacks, appitizers, main course and dessert. We then discussed what would normally happen at night, star talk, and then broke into our groups (pods) and headed to bed.

2008-06-27T16:30:00.000-07:00

I've been battling a cold and allergies for the last week. Its really starting to get to me. As long as I can get through training then I'll be okay for a few days.

We finished setting up all the tents which was good. So for the most part I am ready for training to start tomorrow.

2008-06-26T16:21:00.000-07:00

Today was rather uneventful but a lot was accomplished. Training starts on Saturday, which is exciting because then we will finally understand what all takes place at this camp.

I went to camp 3 to help Dave set up the tents. That is perhaps one of my favorite camps, by the creek, Falls Creek, stunning. The water is clear and green and perfect for fishing and repelling course. Sometimes I wish I was at that camp, more to do for set up and fishing and repelling. However, I have inset problems and marmots and mice...gross.

Tonight is rather windy, however there was a beautiful sunset, the first I have stayed up for.

2008-06-25T10:23:00.000-07:00

Today was rather great. I had company at my camp almost all day. Human interaction, yes please! We got the washrooms set up, they look sweet.

and then we organized the kitchen area....had the head base and location (camp) cook come talk about whatever kitchen stuff they thought was important. Then again, I was left to myself with the knowledge that there was bear shit on the road coming into camp. Oh goodness. But I'm alive for now.

2008-06-23T10:11:00.000-07:00

Last night, the thunderstorms, was insane. It went from being pretty calm to out right scary. There were to distinct sets of storms. The first brought rain and and hit the hills to the east and west of camp. The second set hit the meadow, the lightening hit the meadow, right outside my tent. This light up my white canvas tent and the 'boom!' afterwards freaked me out. I thought I was going to be baked. No matter how hard I tried to sleep, how loud I turned up the music, I just couldn't. I was scared shitless. It was during this time that my body decided that it had to pee like 20 times, well 3, and so I exited my tent once it was safe enough. It was somewhat beautiful to see it in the distance, but the rain and hail brought me back inside.

Today some guys bought some goods to me. Rugs, tent stakes, non-alcoholic better (I guess they dont trust me with the real stuff). They require their staff to be 21 and then leave me with n-a beer which would take 8 to give you a little buzz but you would probably have a headache before that even came.

I weededed and cleaned deodorant bars for the guest. They better appreciate it every time they place that bar on their arm pit. Besides that I cooked my first meal, Cheddar-broccoli rice which tasted alright but took up time nonetheless. They day went by fast which is nice, I cannot wait for the quests to start arriving, cause right now this is sort of getting to me. Loneliness eats at my soul. So please pray for me, now until July 7.

2008-06-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

So back out at camp, alone with my thoughts. It really frightens me, having time to think about things that really bother and upset me. Though accelerating, makes me uncomfortable, but I know that in the end, once I understand myself and who God is to me, I will, in a sense be set free.

Today in Sunday school, we discussed rewards, that God promises to reward us for what we do on earth. This frustrates me because I dont want to be a part of a Christianity that is based on rewards, but thats what makes it attractive. That is whats behind our actions. If Xianity didnt offer the notion of heaven and eternal life and hell, and even in Hinduism, recarnation, religions have nothing to offer. It reminds me of little kids, doing chores for money or some treat, and even students who study for an A but dont look consider what is being taught. It makes me wonder how many love and care for others because they want and care and how many do it because they want to receive recognition. When working at the nursing home, and even the hospital, I found myself angry at the way nurses and aides treated the patients. They did their job for the money but the respect they had for this generation of people, and even those who were still young but couldnt take care of themselves makes me ache. It was in that time, working there that I really began to understand unselfish love. A love that cared, that listened, that laughed, that sat in silence, that cried. They taught me what it meant to love without rewards. I dont want to become a person who loves for a good name, I want to love out of respect and understanding and because thats what God through Christ did for me.

Christ in his time on earth and suffering demonstrated to us how to love. He showed love by suffering with man, giving and receiving. The love he showed for man seemed lass selfish and demanding than that showed by his time.

Maybe because of experience and history, I want to believe in a God, to an extent, like that of Bonhoeffer's. I want be believe in a God whose love is revealed through suffering. I wan to believe that the Church is only the Church when it is for the people: it suffers with those who are suffering and relies on the people to survive. I want to believe in a Xian who loves because God loves, not for external or heavenly rewards. I want a Xian to be united with God as Christ through suffering, hardships but most importantly love for mankind. I want a humble, suffering Xianity.

Okay, now for camp update. Some sweet things happened at camp today. When I got back and opened my tent door there was a hummingbird, Black-Chinned (Archilochus Alexandri) to be exact (I looked it up) flying inside my tent trying to get out. The poor thing spent a long time trying to find freedom and finally made it. It sort of taught me a lesson, just watching the bird struggle, but Ill write about that some other day.

Then, as I am reading at the fire pit ( I started my first fire of the trip) a deer walked over, slowly creeping up to me. It was almost an arms lenght away before it scurried off.

But to end the night, I was provided with some entertainment by thunderstorms.

night one

2008-06-20T18:57:00.000-07:00

so tonight i am stuck at home throwing up, but heres to my first night at camp.

i drove into camp, anxiously and exited for the days that laid ahead. wondering what this really meant for me, was i really okay with being in solitude.

as i sat there on the cot thinking about weither or not i would be able to sleep, would all i be thinking about was the possibility of bears coming into camp. but as i went to bed, earlier, a lot earlier, than normal, i found myself dwelling on the sounds around me-wind, birds (esp. owls), wind, grass, insects-and then it had to come to an end. i had to sleep. although the cot poked into my sides and i forgot some of my blankets at home and got a little cold, i haven't woken up so well rested in my life.

today i found myself reading. doing inventory of items. a little hiking and exploring. setting up the washrooms. reading. cooking.

it is so peaceful out there. knowing that there is no schedule, no obligations (except getting the little work i have to do done). there are clusters of blue, yellow and white everywhere. forget-me-nots (my favorite flower), shooitng -stars (atleast thats the Alaska term), lupines, wild yellow daises, and the names of the other one i havent learned yet.

Into the Wild

2008-06-18T19:53:00.001-07:00

On Thursday, June 19, 2008 I will officially spend the first night in camp. I'm am now heading into the Crazies.

Some random information about the Crazy Mountians

The Crazy Mountains, often called the Crazies, are a mountain range in the northern Rocky Mountains in the U.S. state of Montana. Spanning a distance of 40 miles (64 km), the Crazy Mountains are located between the Musselshell and Yellowstone rivers. The highest peak is Crazy Peak at 11,209 feet (3,417 m). Rising over 6,000 feet (1,830 m) above the Great plains to the east, the Crazies dominate their surroundings and are plainly visible just north of Interstate 90.The Crazy Mountains form an isolated island range east of the Continental Divide. Others include the Castle Mountains, Little Belt Mountains, Big Snowy Mountains, Little Snowy Mountains, Sweet Grass Hills, Bull Mountains and, in the southeastern corner of the state near Ekalaka, the Long Pines and Short Pines.

Due to the eastern location, these mountains are drier and less densely forested than other mountain ranges in Montana and consequently, there are also only about 15 lakes found in the mountain range. The Crazy Mountains sit in both Gallatin National Forest and Lewis and Clark National Forest. The Crazies support a healthy herd of mountain goats and the occasional elusive wolverine.

Geological features of the Crazy Mountains include:Shields River South Fork Musselshell River Big Timber Creek Sweet Grass Creek Crazy Peak

The Crazies are almost completely surrounded by private lands making access into the mountains somewhat difficult, especially in the southern section where the highest peaks are located. The name Crazy Mountains is said to be a shortened form of the name "Crazy Woman Mountains" given them, in compliment to their original Crow name, after a woman who went insane and lived in them after her family was killed in the westward settlement movement.

Sad Update...

2008-06-13T11:39:00.000-07:00

Due to the horrible weather-snow and rain-that has covered and ruined the roads to the camps, I will not be able to move into camp for another week. I am quite sad and disappointed, but am praying that God will bring some great weather to this lowly state, dry the roads and get me out in the wilderness soon.

2008-06-01T18:25:00.000-07:00

Well I begin working tomorrow morning at 8:am in which we will begin by discussing the week's goals and then begin setting up the campsites. Pray that no more snow comes to the valley, because from what I am told right now there is snow at the area in which the zip-line will be set up and is finally melting around the area where my camp will be.

I will officially be moving into the mountains on Saturday night...which I am stoked about, I just hope that the weather decides it is time for summer. I'll keep you posted.

Intro...

2008-05-19T18:09:00.000-07:00

This summer I will be working about 60 minutes, or 30 something miles west of Clyde Park, MT. I will be a camp tender at camp 1. What this entitles is that I will be cleaning and babysitting the camp, cleaning toilets (Rubbermaid container with a trash bag), enjoying the hopefully beautiful weather and God's creation.

I will be staying in the mountains everyday, even when I do not have campers, besides my two, four day vacations. On the forth day of each camp I will be able to go home and do laundry, which is good, therefore my stench will not attract the bears :D. I will keep this update whenever I am able.